Sometimes there are things in life that no matter how hard we try to hold on , they just slip away.
There are people that no matter how hard you try to show how much you mean to them, they simply don't care
Things you've done wrongly are far more remembered than the good ones
Some people dwell on their problems too much that they are often blinded by the fact the you are struggling too
Life is beautiful but living is hard
Love is inspiring but loving hurts
A Dream brings hope but dreaming can sometimes get frustrating
Positivity is a state of mind but the world is filled with odd and unlikely things
When can I finally rest
When will this all end
When can I smile from the heart
When can I love freely
When can I live again.....
The Christmas season is fast approaching and the year is about to end but my single life is just beginning. It's funny to see that after the previous post. This is the next topic.
Well it's true. It's been a while now after a great love has been shattered. I fought for it but I guess there's no sense in doing that when you're the only one holding on.
As of this moment, I am at work, taking my lunch and what better way to let the time pass than write something. I need to keep myself busy. That's the fastest way I can think of to recovery. Though the wounds have partially healed. There is still that hole in my heart that seeks for love, the hope that someday I might find the one I will spend my whole life with.
And though it's true that I miss you most of the time. I stop myself from feeling more... I know it makes no sense to hope for something that you have ended.
I have no idea where this write up is heading but right know , I feel alone at my station surrounded by empty chairs and turned off computers....I don't want to feel sad as I don't want to cry....I just want time to move fast at this very moment.
This past few days no matter how much I keep myself busy and exhausted, I tend to have more energy than usual. I find myself watching Youtube Videos to put myself to sleep. I find myself laughing hard at funny clips, singing songs, dancing around the room. And as I stop and keep still , I find my self in my own world, living in my fantasies and as reality checks, I am alone again...
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return... I have always believed in unconditional and eternal love... A love that knows no boundaries, everflowing and ever growing... Though it may be hard to believe but I found that in you.. But love alone cannot suffice a relationship, one has to make commitments and fulfill them, one has to make sacrifices and not regret them and one has to learn how to trust and not be weakened.. but does that mean one can make promises and break them? take risk and regret them? or take a leap yet be tempted? Love is complex, it's not just a feeling , It's an action word... the road to a happy and stable relationship is one heck of a roller coaster ride, you turn around and around that sometimes it makes you puke... but what keeps you comming back again and again is the fact that you have fun, you get the ride of your life , you are pushed to your limits...
If loving is all that... then I love you more... for nothing or no one can explain the feeling I have inside... while you find it hard to grow, I'll make it easy to develop, while you find it hard to believe , I'll be holding on and when you find it hard to love, I'll be loving you more... and though actions speak louder than words, there are things I can't say or act out but surely I can make you feel... You are treasured and most loved. Happy Monthsary! :)
I never thought it would reach this far, I was trying to avoid the conversation as if i was ignoring reality as it stood before me. It was the moment that I have been waiting for… the moment to admit and tell you what i was keeping for a while, to finally let it out and move on, to let go and be free…. but cowardice ruled over me, I let it all pass… As it happened, I asked myself why is it so hard ….. so hard to admit the love I once had…. that pain was once my friend and that tears were my refuge ….
I shouldn’t be crying, I’m supposed to be good at this, I have accepted this fate. I was the only one who felt the emotion, I was the only one dreaming, I was the only one hoping…. You seemed so near yet so far.
I know I'll be okay and i know I’ll be alright. I must forget this after tonight…. but for now I have to bare with One Sleepless Night.
I thought getting over with someone is something I can’t do. Since then, I vowed
to myself that I shall never fall again. I've met a lot of people along the way yet none of them really made a difference. Though they cared much for me, none of them can fill the emptiness caused. I can't understand why it's so difficult. I thought I could never move on until I came to the realization that the person was never intended for me, but was just a teacher. I was taught to love without expecting anything in return, To accept faults and differences and to sacrifice happiness even if it means pain and even more pain.
I started to move, I thought I was a better person. Though bruised and wounded, I carried myself to walk through the path of misery for I know one day I’ll see the path of Hope. The teacher taught too many good things but has left me in the battle ground alone and restless. I was about to lose everything in me.
You came! Without demanding for your existence you came into being. At first glance I thought you were just an encounter - a stranger that’ll pass my way. I did not welcome the thought of you becoming a part of my life. You’re with somebody when I met you.
I felt care. I felt that you were giving me something I did not ask from you. Youwere sweet and worth falling for. I stopped myself. I should not allow history to repeat itself , I should not fall in love with love again.
I felt thrilled, I felt really excited, I felt a sudden rush of feelings. I felt something real. Whenever you say Hi, I melt. Then you gave words worth hoping. You became someone who healed my broken past. You made me live and believe again.
It felt really good. I was really, really happy. I have liked the view so much that I
didn't notice time was slipping away. Then I saw a scene. A truth I almost forgot. A reality I want to escape.
My blue skies turned gray and the rain started to pour…thunder came rolling by and pain was all I felt inside.
I realized that what I felt was just a feeling. I’ve seen the wrong signals, I’ve read the wrong signs. I was hoping for the impossible.
I woke up, I was only dreaming…
After a while, I thought I was ok, I thought I could just live with this. I thought I can take the pain…. But I’m tired now. Tired of Pretending that I’ll be ok when I'm really not.
I am in a situation where I couldn’t even understand what’s going on… Never had I imagined myself that I’d be in this spot right now. Alone, restless and weak… I used to be strong, I once was a master of my feelings. I could almost bare with anything
But now, I have been so vulnerable. Enslaved by a strong emotion.
I want to control it! but It’s difficult. I want to fight it but it’s hard. I want to destroy it but it’s too powerful. I’m running out of options. The longer it takes , the harder it gets.
I have asked my friends on what to do, and they all say the
same thing. I should do what is right. I should tell him… I just can’t … Whenever I try, fear runs through my veins... I was afraid, afraid to admit that I have fallen and was consciously falling for a person who only treated me as a friend. Nothing more than that..... I wanted to…But the words don't just come out easily.
Things are getting complicated now. Some people are involved.
It’s not just me and my emotions or me and him. He's into my friend. They claim each other as friends but they do things more than friends do…. awww! that breaks my heart!
The person I like and I think I’m in love with is absolutely the wrong one… I always fall for the wrong one…I was dumb not recognize that early on... I got the wrong signals, yet I persisted with the belief that there maybe something… But I was totally irrational!!! How could I possibly fall for someone who takes advantage of every
opportunity a person can give, who uses someone to gain confidence, who masquerades weakness yet posses a strong character… who denies a lot of things yet the actions contradict…who above anything else believes in morality yet does not conform to it…
I don’t understand, why amidst all these, I still care… ..
I don’t know… but I have to let go… I should not recognize it’s existence. I should continue with my life… but without the feeling… As they say, time heals all wounds… I guess, mine would heal too but I have to wait and let things happen… Time will come that this too, will pass ....
maybe after a while.....
Then I was
Alone and single, I have spent my days doing the regular routine. I was happy. I thought at least I’m trying to be one. Though the sight of being alone frightens me, It has been my greatest defense against the pain that love brings.
Love? "It’s like saying goodbye to your fondest dreams and saying hello to your worst nightmare".These lines made my defenses more stronger that love for me is non sense. Why should I feel such a thing? It’s stupid! Emotional Investment? I don't think so?
Though the Emptiness grew stronger, I kept myself busy. I created an Ideal Person. Ideal as if it doesn’t exist. This add up to strengthening my defenses against love. For a while, I felt ok, I felt strong! I felt invulnerable. No one can hurt me. Nobody can…I have finally conquered my emotions. I have mastered the art of self control. It feels good… for quite some time.
Depression visits me every once in a while. I ponder a lot and I cry… but I try to hold it back. A tear should not fall… I must be strong… I always tell myself, instances like these shall pass and I won't even remember it .
I was getting used to it. Pretty much comfortable that I can live without anyone. At least just the thought of it. I can live without love. though I felt miserable …I was getting stronger. The more I suppress my emotion the more I felt that I was in control of things. In control of my mind and my heart. It became my new routine. Feelings + suppression= mastery of self control, this has been my formula and it worked. It continually worked and worked for me. I became more at ease with what I was doing and I thought I could live with it. Not bad for a single being like me.
Then I was
Startled by the sight of you. At first glance I felt something different. What is this? Is this the silly emotion they call love at first sight?…. This couldn't be but my heart beats faster and I can't control it . This must stop.
I have retrieved the formula from my head…. It worked! It normally works. So I proceeded with my life. Whenever I see you, I use the formula, then it passes…
And then we talked… and it strucked me! I felt something really strong! I started using the formula again but this time it didn’t work. It was growing stronger and stronger…. I couldn't control it anymore…. I became defenseless and started to give in. I have allowed myself to feel something for the first time and i must say It felt really good.
We then had our moments together, for the first time in my life I was happy. Really, really happy that I never wanted it to end. The best thing that ever happened....
Then I was
At the Realization that I have to be me. Becoming that person who I thought I never was. Complications in life stopped me and it got me confused on which road to choose. The path of what is safe and seemingly right or the seemingly wrong and risky path that'll lead me to you. I was terrified, frightened and cold.
Then I was
Awakened by the fact the You and I make things more complicated. I want to but I can’t , I want to show you but I’m afraid. Distance became my refuge. I moved away hoping I could find another formula to answer my dilemma. I searched for Logic. I developed the art of reasoning to create a factual explanation of how I feel. To make myself understand that what I’m feeling can be overcomed and like all other things will pass too.
Then I was
Miserable as can be. I was in Pain. The more I move away, the heavier the burden I carried. It got even worse when I saw you with someone else. You were going out together. Twa's killing me. I can’t be jealous. I can’t be jealous over something that's not mine to begin with.
I told myslef, "There’s no way this could be happening…. Am I in love? How can it be possible. I hate that feeling or at least that was what i believe in.. I don't know how loving works or if it's really real but I know I am hurting...
Then I was
Confused, tormented and torn apart. I told myself I shouldn't have allowed my heart to fall. I shouldn't have ... But I just did .. And so I became cold and lonely…. I created my own misery.
Then I was
LOST…. wanting for things to be just the way it used to be? I've searched for ways and have kept on searching, tried every route to happiness but it seemed I couldn't find my way back….