Alone and single, I have spent my days doing the regular routine. I was happy. I thought at least I’m trying to be one. Though the sight of being alone frightens me, It has been my greatest defense against the pain that love brings.
Love? "It’s like saying goodbye to your fondest dreams and saying hello to your worst nightmare".These lines made my defenses more stronger that love for me is non sense. Why should I feel such a thing? It’s stupid! Emotional Investment? I don't think so?
Though the Emptiness grew stronger, I kept myself busy. I created an Ideal Person. Ideal as if it doesn’t exist. This add up to strengthening my defenses against love. For a while, I felt ok, I felt strong! I felt invulnerable. No one can hurt me. Nobody can…I have finally conquered my emotions. I have mastered the art of self control. It feels good… for quite some time.
Depression visits me every once in a while. I ponder a lot and I cry… but I try to hold it back. A tear should not fall… I must be strong… I always tell myself, instances like these shall pass and I won't even remember it .
I was getting used to it. Pretty much comfortable that I can live without anyone. At least just the thought of it. I can live without love. though I felt miserable …I was getting stronger. The more I suppress my emotion the more I felt that I was in control of things. In control of my mind and my heart. It became my new routine. Feelings + suppression= mastery of self control, this has been my formula and it worked. It continually worked and worked for me. I became more at ease with what I was doing and I thought I could live with it. Not bad for a single being like me.
Then I was
Startled by the sight of you. At first glance I felt something different. What is this? Is this the silly emotion they call love at first sight?…. This couldn't be but my heart beats faster and I can't control it . This must stop.
I have retrieved the formula from my head…. It worked! It normally works. So I proceeded with my life. Whenever I see you, I use the formula, then it passes…
And then we talked… and it strucked me! I felt something really strong! I started using the formula again but this time it didn’t work. It was growing stronger and stronger…. I couldn't control it anymore…. I became defenseless and started to give in. I have allowed myself to feel something for the first time and i must say It felt really good.
We then had our moments together, for the first time in my life I was happy. Really, really happy that I never wanted it to end. The best thing that ever happened....
At the Realization that I have to be me. Becoming that person who I thought I never was. Complications in life stopped me and it got me confused on which road to choose. The path of what is safe and seemingly right or the seemingly wrong and risky path that'll lead me to you. I was terrified, frightened and cold.
Then I was
Awakened by the fact the You and I make things more complicated. I want to but I can’t , I want to show you but I’m afraid. Distance became my refuge. I moved away hoping I could find another formula to answer my dilemma. I searched for Logic. I developed the art of reasoning to create a factual explanation of how I feel. To make myself understand that what I’m feeling can be overcomed and like all other things will pass too.
Then I was
Miserable as can be. I was in Pain. The more I move away, the heavier the burden I carried. It got even worse when I saw you with someone else. You were going out together. Twa's killing me. I can’t be jealous. I can’t be jealous over something that's not mine to begin with.
I told myslef, "There’s no way this could be happening…. Am I in love? How can it be possible. I hate that feeling or at least that was what i believe in.. I don't know how loving works or if it's really real but I know I am hurting...
Then I was
Confused, tormented and torn apart. I told myself I shouldn't have allowed my heart to fall. I shouldn't have ... But I just did .. And so I became cold and lonely…. I created my own misery.